Courtroom Antics

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident.

In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

The judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.

“I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.”

“Sit down,” said the judge. “That is the prosecuting attorney.”

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."

First lawyer: “Unmitigated liar!”

Second lawyer: “Lowdown cheat!”

Judge: “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed.”

A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."

When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff.”

-- Cicero

The defendant, who was on trial for assault and battery, claimed he barely pushed the victim. The prosecuting attorney, treating this story with derision, aggressively cross-examined the defendant. Finally, the prosecutor invited the defendant to step down from the witness box and demonstrate with the prosecutor how hard he had pushed the victim.

Secretly, the prosecutor assumed that, reacting to the hostility of the cross-examination, the accused would push him fairly hard, thereby guaranteeing his conviction.

The defendant no sooner stepped off the witness stand when he started punching and battering the prosecutor. Finally, after he had given him a righteous thrashing, he turned to the jury.

“I pushed the victim in this case about 1/20th that hard.”

The jury unanimously acquitted him.

We heard of a lawyer who said, in the summation of his case, “And, if it please the court, if I am wrong in this, I have another argument that is equally conclusive.”

A musical lawyer that I know never lost a case. Whenever he questioned the appropriateness of testimony, with a long drawn out “Objectioooo.....n,” the judge had to admit it was sustained.

A young lawyer with her first big case held forth to the jury hour after hour, straying far from the point of the case.

When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose and, turning to the jury, said, “I’ll follow the example set by my learned opponent and submit this case to you without argument.”

“Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.”

-- A lawyer speaking to a judge

“It’s better to enter the mouth of a tiger than a court of law.”

-- Chinese proverb

Murphy, a lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder that had been brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied. "The other eleven wanted to acquit."

A man charged with stealing a car was acquitted at his trial. Later the same day, he went back to the courtroom and approached the judge.

“Your honor,” he said, “I want to get out a warrant for that crooked lawyer of mine.”

“Why?” asked the judge. “She won your acquittal. What do you want to have her arrested for?”

“Well, your honor,” replied the man, “I didn’t have the money to pay her fee, so she went and took the car I stole.”

Then there is the old story involving the theft of some chickens:

The Judge: Are you the defendant?

Defendant: Nope. I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness. “You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

“So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”

“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”

A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, “I think the light was yellow,” or, “I think it was still raining.”

The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, “We don’t care what you think. What do you know?”

The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, “Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I’m not a lawyer, I can’t talk without thinking.”